(Obligatory Eminem Post)

If you like the new Eminem single, "We Made You," that's fine by me. Your ears might need a checkup, but I'm happy for you.

If you're like me and aren't impressed, let me simply remind you that this is all part of Em and Dre's fool-proof formula that has yet to fail. A quick case study:

2000: The Marshall Mathers LP

First single: "The Real Slim Shady," a goofy ditty with countless pop culture references and subversive jabs.

Second single: "The Way I Am," a lashed-out screamer that spooked the hardest-of-hardcore junior high punks. A complete antithesis of the first single.

**Interesting fact: Both of these songs were recorded just hours before this album's deadline, when Jimmy Iovine wanted a "My Name Is" sequel to introduce the new album. Marshall wrote "The Way I Am" in response to these demands (evident in the lyrics: "I'm not gonna be able to top a 'My Name Is'"). Once he cooled off, "The Real Slim Shady" was born.

2002: The Eminem Show

First single: "Without Me," another silly track aimed at current chart-toppers, namely boy bands and Moby.

Second single: "Cleaning Out My Closet," an introspective journey through Em's troubled childhood and adolescence.

**Are we beginning to notice a pattern here? Read on.

2004: Encore

First single: "Just Lose It," complete with a Pee-Wee Herman imitation in the chorus. 'Nuff said.

Second single: "Like Toy Soldiers," where Em offers a truce to his lyrical enemies and mourns the death of best friend/partner Proof.

**Yes, "Encore/Curtains Down" was technically the second single from this album, but it was released simultaneously with "Just Lose It" as a street single for hip-hop radio (aka no video) and I am counting it as a "second first single." Em kept the solemness alive after "Like Toy Soldiers" with the sappy-go-lucky "Mockingbird."

2009: Relapse

First single: "We Made You"
Second single: TBD.

**Just like "Encore," "Crack a Bottle" was a street single and can't be counted as a proper single.

So there you have it. Marshall and Andre like to get the kids excited with the funny routine, then let the hip-hop heads take notice with the next joint. Be patient, true fans. The real music is on its way.

Why Asher Roth will NOT be a one-hit wonder

I know what you're thinking: "Great, another white, 23-year-old hip-hop blogger is jumping on the Asher Roth bandwagon...big surprise."

Granted, your skepticism is warranted. "I Love College," after all, is a gimmick song. His nasal voice is also eerily similar to another white rapper you might have heard before (see left), so the kid's still got plenty to prove before he wins over fans, much less fans of "true hip-hop." (Those quotes are for a separate blog post, but I digress...)

Gimmick it might be, but give the guy some credit. The 21st-century college lifestyle hadn't yet been made into a song; Asher noticed and he NAILED it. As if my fellow recent college grads didn't miss college enough already, now I can simultaneously laugh and cry every time "College" comes on.

Thanks to some friends at Universal, I've spent the last week dissecting Asleep In The Bread Aisle (in stores 4/20 - duh), and have concluded just what this blog post's title says...Asher ain't going nowhere.

As a whole, I found Asleep to not necessarily be an outstanding body of work, but more of a testament to why this guy deserves so much hype -- a characteristic very similar to Lupe Fiasco's debut. The skills are there, no doubt about it. With that in mind, if our great white hope continues to mature in the ways Lupe did -- more consistent production and a more refined direction of "who he is" -- we should expect platinum plaques for years to come.

Roth's aptitude as a wordsmith is evident right off the bat with the album's opening track, "Lark on My Go-Cart," named for Asher's fantasy joyride with Lisa from Saved By The Bell. The track offers Eminem's humor, Aesop Rock's acerbity, and the quiet confidence of your funniest stoner friends, all rolled (no pun intended) into one. References to Cheetos and Teddy Ruxpin will keep the potheads happy and the 80s-babies listening, respectively. The album jumps immediately into cannabis cornucopia with "Blunt Cruisin'," an no-holds-barred ode to suburban blazing and avoiding the po-po. If only this song was around when I was 17!! These tracks offer something that has never been available to the masses: a hip-hop album by the white people, for the white people.

Here's the thing: Eminem is a great rapper, sure. His angry rage and resentment toward his past made it easy for parent-hating kids to easily relate. But his psychotic nature made it so that the rest of white America could never REALLY connect. Asher isn't trying to be anything except himself: a pale, scrawny, suburban MC, with a sense of humor that deserves your attention. Period.

For a number of reasons, I can't comment on specifics regarding the rest of the album. What I can tell you is this: this album is more than the frat house soundtrack that the skeptics are predicting. Asher spits (and spits well) on everything from partying to politics, chasing girls to chasing dreams, and everything in between. Knowing that they will never disappear, Roth approaches the Marshall Mathers comparisons head-on with an entire song dedicated to just why he is NOT that other guy. On a less serious yet more newsworthy note, the Michael Phelps fiasco has proven that Americans are less offended than ever by marijuana use...and I think this will only work in Roth's favor. So once your head clears up from all that 4/20 haze, go to your local record store...er, iTunes...and pick up Asleep In The Bread Aisle. A five-star album it isn't, but it surely leaves a lasting impression that keeps me itching for more.

Still can't get enough? Click here for DJ Semtex's 25-minute "Story of Asher Roth."

"Allen Iversooooon, Hakeem Olajuwooooon"

HOT: Shady/Aftermath Double-Dose

This deserves a post. Produced by Dre and originally intended for Eminem -- enjoy.

50 Cent - I Get It In [click to download]

BONUS: Finally, (what sounds like) the real version of Em's new single.

Eminem feat. Dr. Dre and 50 Cent - Crack a Bottle [click to download]

Trick Trick feat. Eminem - Who Want It

In related news, Em's new album drops December 23. Click for more.

Trick Trick feat. Eminem - Who Want It [click to download]

Eminem is BACK.

This is way more exciting than Britney's comeback, wouldn't you say?

Eminem - I'm Having a Relapse [click to download]

Weezy wants Shady

Eminem Prank Calls LL Cool J

Check it out here.

Bobby Creekwater

Dude's debut album is being exec-produced by Eminem.

This track is produced by Alchemist, from their collaborative EP Second Hand Smoke.

Bobby Creekwater - Fuckin' Up My Cool [click to download]